The Showdown: Anti-Monkey Butt Powder Vs. DZ Nuts
As you well know, I like to spend long hours with my butt plastered to the seat of a bicycle, with only a minimal amount of fabric and chamois in between me and that seat.
I have long been a fan of the vasaline approach for long rides, but have recently come into contact with a couple other options. Namely, DZ Nuts and Anti-Monkey Butt Powder.
Admittedly, since both of them were free to me, I have actually been using them over the past month or so with a pretty high regularity, and have decided to share my findings with you. I have decided to have a showdwn between the pros and cons of the two and we’ll just see who comes out on top.
Logo and Packaging
Arguably one of the most important aspects of any product is it’s logo and packaging. As you can see, the AMBP uses a slightly deranged looking monkey with an oversized rear end who seems to be inviting you to try his product. I’m a little disturbed that even though he has this purported ‘sweat absorber and friction fighter’ he still seems to be having irritation issues with his rear end, but we’ll forgive that for now and assume that he’s on a rigorous program of twice daily applications and will soon be a satisfied customer.
DZNuts on the other hand has decided to go with something a bit more understated and professional. Not as ‘in your face’ as the AMBP, but certainly not without a hint of jest to the logo. I have to say, though, if I was walking down an aisle, the AMBP would catch my eye first.
Advantage: AMBP
AMBP – 1, DZ Nuts – 0
Viral Marketing
Both products have decided to ‘take it to the internet’ in terms of their marketing programs. On the one hand, you have the one-man marketing powerhouse that is Dave Zabriskie. This is the man who sings gospel music with his hand down his shorts, applies DZ Nuts instead of diaper rash cream, talks to action figures, and (my favorite) can make two cycling powerhouses blush and almost fall off their chairs laughing while plastering the dumbest looking shit-eating grin across his face ever:
Then, on the other hand, you have this, which just kinda creeps me out and disturbs me.
Back to the drawing board guys. Guy in the monkey suit chasing down people itching their asses just isn’t doing it for me.
Advantage: DZ Nuts
AMBP – 1, DZ Nuts – 1
Scent
As both products indicate that a liberal amount of friction fighter is used on every application, scent becomes important. Not just because somebody is likely to stick their nose up your rear end during the ride (what? that doesn’t happen to everyone?), but also because your bathroom or bedroom will start to smell after several applications of your preferred remedy.
AMBP has a floral aroma to it, and in it’s lengthy list of 3 ingredients (talc, calamine powder, fragrance) we can see that they really put some thought into the odor.
DZ-nuts on the other hand basically just smells like Ben-Gay. That reminds me of a high school track locker room, which reminds me of the time that I accidentally got ben-gay in a place it shouldn’t have been.
Lets just say that’s not the best memory to dredge up when I’m applying something that recommends applying to the ‘perineal (taint) area’.
Advantage: AMBP
AMBP – 2, DZ Nuts – 1
Initial Application
I know, when I leave for a ride, that my rear will eventually be sweaty and nasty. It’s just a fact of life. However, I don’t need it to be feeling like that when I’m not riding. AMBP is a powder that soothes and dries out my butt when I first apply it. It feels great, and puts a smile on my face.
DZ Nuts, on the other hand, being a cream based approach feels like I’ve alrady been on the bike for about an hour when I first put it on. I know my chamois is gonna end up pretty nasty at some point anyways, but it doesn’t need to start out that way.
Advantage – AMBP
AMBP – 3, DZ Nuts – 1
Friction Reduction
Hands down the most important category, how does this stuff actually work, and how does it hold up over time?
If I had a 30 minute ride planned, it’s a draw, plain and simple. They both make my butt feel nice, they both allow the chamois to provide padding without rubbing. No problem.
But, when do I ever take a 30 minute ride? Even if you just joined me here on HandlebarSandwich.com recently, you should already be aware that short rides are not really in my repertoire. 30 minutes is a commute, or a beer run, or errands, not a bike ride.
And this is where the bicycle specific formulation (and the claim of ‘high viscosity chamois cream’) really shines.
AMBP all but loses any effectiveness about 30 minutes in, and I’m left right back where I started.
DZ Nuts coats the area concerned with contacting a bike seat and latches on like that creepy guy in the corner of the bar who’s had too much to drink and you made the mistake of saying ‘hi’ to.
Yeah, it’s that good.
I will say that it does wear off after about 3-4 hours, no matter how much I put on, but at that point, there isn’t much that can last through with a single application.
Due to the importance of this category (and the fact that I get to make up the rules here), I’ve decided to award triple points.
Advantage: DZ Nuts
AMBP – 3, DZ Nuts – 4
Bottom Line
So, here’s the deal. For cycling, AMBP doesn’t hold a flame to DZ nuts. They made a solid attempt at doing a little work on something that’s been around a while (talc powder), and they did a pretty good job of getting the word out, but in the end, it just won’t hold up over time like a liberal application of high-viscosity, creamy goodness. I’ve been using DZ nuts ever since I got a box of sample packs for the Crazy 88, and liked it so much I actually bought a big tube of it. It’s good stuff.
However, that being said, I do see a place for AMBP. I actually use it when I commute because the one final downside of DZ Nuts is the fact that it’s just about impossible to scrub off, and who wants to sit at a desk all day with chamois cream all over their ass? Not me. My commute is about 20-30 minutes each way, so the AMBP will make it in to work.
Now get out there and ride your bike, or this guy is coming for you.
